Thursday, March 01, 2007

Game's so tight they call it virgin.

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This started a few weeks ago when my friend joked that I had a "whole team," erroneously. At the time I was merely juggling 2 dudes, and one was on the way out. Within a week though, 2 new ones (or not so much new, but forgotten prospects) popped up randomly through no prompting by me at all. So I IMed her, "You know...there might be something to this whole 'team' analogy of yours." I fleshed it out a bit and then sent it to my best guy friend...and the "Team" was born.

I find the analogy amusing, but will likely not update on the situation anymore. Eventually (probably pretty soon), some guy I am actually interested in will find and read this site and I will feel like an asshole because someone's feelings will be hurt. And really, I like ALL these guys, they are all great and the truth is I realize that "it's not them, it's me." I'm currently trying to "ween them off the Becky" as my friend says, because as bitchy and detached I have been lately is not something any one of them deserves.

Anyway. Without further ado...the Team. Nicknames lovingly created and explained for this post (OK, some of them were previously in existence).

G- The Fallon Fan
So named because he REALLY likes Jimmy fact the night I learned this was the night he lost all of my respect and affection. No joke, it was dead in the water right there. Call me shallow, but Fallon is a dealbreaker.
Most experienced player on the team. He's been around the longest and is a cagey vet. His game has slipped big time, but he has been loyal to the organization, so you don't want to cut him. Occasionally still comes up big, but is mostly there for moral support at this point.
He's Reggie Miller at the end of his career.

G- The Jew
So named because...well, he's Jewish. Not a derogatory name, just an incredulous one. I never date Jewish guys, and likely never will again. He's an anomaly. The exception that proves the rule. Mom and Dad will be sad to hear when he is gone. Oh well.
Captain of the team. Flashy and talented player. He plays the most minutes. Looks absolutely perfect on paper. Unfortunately can be very very streaky. Goes cold for long periods of time. You really want him to be a superstar but he just can't seem to string together consecutive great games. Some of the public criticizes him vehemently. He does have some diehard fans though.
He's Vince Carter.

F- The Busboy
So named because I met him on the bus. Which is not as sketchy as it sounds. We're from towns near one another and waited for a bus home together and then sat near each other on the bus.
Promising young player. Seems to have a skill set that fits well within the offense. Was hurt and missed the majority of the last couple seasons though. No one's really sure if he can contribute consistently or if he'll remain injury prone throughout his career. Definitely has some upside though.
He's Nene, only without the ridiculous contract.

F- Blue Balls
Not what you're thinking. Met him in one of my favorite local establishments watching b-ball and somehow he ended up challenging my dad to a game of raquetball while I was on the phone with my parents. Has blue eyes too. Ummm OK then, let's just call him Blue.
Rookie. Still adjusting to playing in the league. The coaching staff is still unsure as to what will be the best way to use him. Has Tremendous Upside Potential. Also could be a total bust. No one has really seen what he can do yet in limited minutes.
He's Tyrus Thomas.

C- None yet.
That's been the joke: "Currently searching for my starting center."
There are a bunch of "You can't teach size" and "Clog up the paint" jokes in there too, but I'm just gonna leave that one alone.
What you need though is an anchor, someone you can depend on, someone that won't put up gaudy numbers but will quietly step in and take over a game if need be.
Like Yao Ming.

I've got the cute new intern pegged as a college player to work out during the pre-draft camps maybe....
He's...I don't know, I don't follow CBB closely enough to make an accurate comparison without screwing it up.

Then there is the player who recently split from his long-term team in a somewhat messy fashion. There was talk of discourse and a possible end to the relationship on and off for demands, trade talk, etc. Finally the team told him they were done with him. He was fine with that. But there is obviously a lot of baggage that comes with a player like that. And you don't know if the player will fit in with your system. Could be worth taking a gamble on. Could be more hassle than he's worth.
He's Allen Iverson this season.

I've also got the equivalent to a Euro prospect. He's far away and I have yet to see him play myself, but the scouts say he's the next coming of Dirk Nowitski.

I have a player who I really covet and make a play for every year around the trade deadline, but because of his situation, he is available but remarkably difficult to obtain. I can never seem to put the right package together to make a trade happen.
He's Kevin Garnett.

Of course, there is the great player that left in free agency, whose contract talks you really wish you had handled differently. Yes, he seems happy on his new team. Yes, that makes me want to throw things at the wall. (Just kidding about that last part. Call me!)
He's Steve Nash.

Sadly, I have a whole slew of Ron Artests in my past- freaking psychos to whom I had to just say, "Go home until I unload you".
(Speaking of, AWESOME. My mom classifies learning disabilities for a living and she swears up and down that Ron-Ron has some pretty serious ones. It's almost kind of sad that no one has realized it and pegged it as the reason he's such a nut.)

Anyway. That about wraps it up. I am clearly the superior and wise coach, trying to make this crazy bunch work out. To be honest, I'm feeling really exhausted and kind of want to quit entirely. It all just feels like too much to deal with at the moment and I want to just chill. If only there were a player who fit into my life in a non-annoying and non-threatening manner.
I guess I'm the hot chick version of Pat Riley.


MCBias said...

"I'm currently trying to "ween them off the Becky" as my friend says, because as bitchy and detached I have been lately is not something any one of them deserves."

Hmm...I have a pet theory that I have a hard time discounting. It says that men are most desirable to women when men are angry and sarcastic, as long as that stops short of actual criminal actions. I wonder if you've stumbled on a feminine corollary to the theory? That men actually prefer women who won't pay them any attention or are jerks to men when they do pay attention to them?

I certainly don't (no, I'm not applying to be the Center), but perhaps it's true for the over-achieving East Coaster type.

Captain Caveman said...

I thoroughly enjoyed this post. Thank you.